yo.  life is hard and then you die.  right?!?!  lately that is how it feels.  i know i am like a broken record talking about lose or my dad-but no one told me it would suck this much...wait...lots of people did-i just didn't believe i was in the category of not being able to handle it.  i can truly say that i have always championed hard things.  i could pretty much tattoo the frequented phrase "we do hard things" to my lower back until the past 6 months.  there are a lot of things you learn about yourself when you go through a poop storm.  first and foremost all of your qualities-good and bad come out when you are vulnerable.  you truly become the "natural man" as you try to survive the great mind swamp of emotion.  i appreciate the friends and family who have just shown up and shut up and let me be me with no judgement-means a lot.  my husband is a hero.  the blonde hurricane known as me has been his burden to bear.  i am like a pregnant woman on crack-crying-laughing-crying-wanting to be alone-get me some chocolate...but i'm not pregnant.  :)  BUT for the 2 of you reading this KNOW that it gets better-not as quick as i want it to..but baby steps...i am really enjoying my two little boys.  it is funny that nolan reminds me so much of my dad and liam is like a little ron-the way they look and act.  there is something peaceful and beautiful about that.  i am also trying to seize the day more as i realize that someday i won't have little kids or kids at all at home.  i am also realizing how truly blessed i am.  5 healthy kids.  4 healthy grandmas. 7 brother and sister in laws. 10 nieces and nephews. LOTS of fantastic cousins.  LOTS of aunts and uncles. 9 amazing brothers and sisters.  1 patient and charismatic husband....life maybe isn't that hard.....

easter.

i am feeling a lot of guilt today.  it has been a helluva day.  not the worst day ever-but not the best day ever.  my boys are sick.  liam's diaper leaked all over my dress during church.  i made dinner for my fam...turkey dinner...and making a turkey is always a stressful experience for me-i'm always worried someone will die of food born illness because i didn't remove the giblets right.  seth is out of town.  my right hand daughter bella is out of town...the guilt part is that i'm feeling frustrated when i am #seriouslysoblessed.  holidays are hard when you lose a loved one.  it feels really "real" on days like today.  i want nothing more than to sit down and chat with my dad....ask him what i should do about certain things-get his steady, fair, and thoughtful advice.  i want someone in my corner again.  BUT in all of this today is an amazing day because He lives.  i think i feel the "guilt" because it truly took me until today to realize the power and joy of the empty tomb.  i saw this picture today and fell in love with it.  i love the looks on the apostles faces as they are running to find that indeed there is life after death and truly the Savior was and is everything they ever believed him to be.  i am grateful for my loving Heavenly Father that he would be brave enough to sacrifice his own son-FOR ME...for everyone.  there are not words to describe the utter reverence and unworthiness i feel for the Savior and the atonement and the gift He has given to each of us personally.  these past few months i have survived by thinking of Him and the fact that He loves me-I am not alone...because as Elder Holland says "because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so."

     "One of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so."

Hey ya'll (mom).  I know blogs are going the way of the dodo but I really need a place to reflect, record, and process.  I wish I was a better journal writer-I love the "handwriting" aspect but alas I am a super speedy typist.

This last year has been a whirlwind-filled with lots of emotions and crazy ups and downs.  Seth and I were able to be a part of an event called The Color Run.  www.thecolorrun.com  I learned a lot about myself, Seth, other people, and life.  I trust people more AND I trust people less.  This adventure is still on going-but mostly for Seth-as I have decided to just play my mom role.  I really enjoyed visiting different cities, working my butt off...and everything else that encompasses such a large event.

My father also passed away this year.  He was told he had a brain tumor on a Monday, biopsy on a Tuesday and on Friday had a massive cerebral hemorrhage.  He was in a coma for 4 weeks and we decided as a family with his horrible cancer diagnosis plus the damage from his hemorrhage that his quality of life would not be worth it.  I truly had moments of fear that he would wake up and see all the tubes and get super mad at me for letting him be such a burden.  That is what he was most afraid of being.  If he communicated anything to me the week of his biopsy it was that he did not want to burden anyone.  I like to think that his quick departure was granting his wish as a reward for a life well-lived.  I am a relatively strong person on the outside but when I'm alone and I think about my sweet father and never hearing his voice or seeing his face in this life-my heart breaks.  What I would give for a phone call and to hear him call me "Dex" again....I am forever grateful for the testimony I have of the Gospel and the blessings of the Temple.

I also had a baby this year.  William Jay King.  He is the easiest baby in the world and I love him to pieces.  I love my patient kids who have truly buoyed me up with this crazy and hectic time.  Isabella turned 12 and joined me in Young Women.  Sophia continues to wow us with her art and amazing intellect.  Carson LOVES football and definitely has the Boyle OCD with all things sports.  Nolan is as cute as can be and I can't resist him....I am wrapped around his finger.

This new year feels stressful but great.  I am excited to shift gears and enjoy more time doing things with my kids.  That being said here are my goals:

1.  Sweat every day....like you "have to take a shower sweat".
2.  Temple. I know how much but I'm going to keep that to myself.

Just 2 goals.  Kind of random but if I can master those 2 I think things will work out right.